You're beautiful, whether you know it or not...

Watch this video, then read my blog:




I first heard this song a few weeks ago in my car and the tears started to stream. What an appropriate title for such a beautiful song. When I hear it, and watch this video I think of the women in my life who deserve to hear this. I even think of the men who deserve to hear how handsome they are. Some days that unhealthy self-worth voice tells us we aren't good enough, or beautiful enough. And for some of us, it's been stuck there for a while. It never serves us to go into addictions or hate ourselves or focus on negative thoughts. It only makes the devil happy. No matter how much we hate ourselves, he's right in our hearts telling us "It doesn't matter what you say or do to yourself. I love you no matter what. I want you to believe in yourself." It took me a long time to understand that, because for so long I thought I wasn't good enough to be loved by Him. Then I reached out for him and he was there all along and no matter what I'd done in my past or to myself, or how I felt - he still loved me. That's right - he loves me UNCONDITIONALLY NO MATTER WHAT. You know what else? I'm on a journey with him. The further I walk, the stronger I get...

You know a few summers ago I taught classes at a youth sports camp for little girls. I used an inspiring song every week I taught simply because music has gotten me through so much, and has moved me so much that I want to share it. Tonight, i'm speaking to a healthy girls group at St. Mary's College here in South Bend and I'm going to use this song. I want them to see that no matter how hard they are trying to be the best - they are loved. They don't have to fight so hard, because God loves them no matter how good their grades are or how fit they are...can't wait to share it.

If you are a woman that has crossed my path or not, and you've felt insecure - I'm thinking of you. I'm praying for you to see you how God sees you. Pretend he's sitting next to you. Feel this music. Read the lyrics. Watch the images. Replay it over and over again. Let Him love you like he wants you to.

You have a choice: Control your life or live it...

The title of this blog was the basic message at church today. It falls right in line with the whole recovery theme of "Let go and let God." and "God's will, not mine." When we are in our will, trying to control everything and do it OUR way - we usually aren't happy. So God just waits for us until we're ready to turn the steering wheel over to him.

I know that for a long time, I tried to control life. I wanted everything to happen according to my time and so I fought like hell to make that happen. But it didn't, and I ended up turning to things that numbed me because I couldn't get what I wanted when I wanted it. It wasn't until I turned my will over to God when I got into recovery that I realized I'm not God. I'm not the orchestrator of my purpose. I implement his will for me. But I don't orchestrate how it's going to go. And the funny part is, that doesn't mean that I never resist God. Are you kidding? Of course I do...But I also practice praying for his will for me and the power to carry that out because ultimately, that's the only way I'm going to live the best life I can. So I practice it. Sometimes it takes going through some hell, practicing patience. Other times it's through meditation. I know as someone who feels like I got a second chance at life, there is a lot I want to do to fulfill it but I also know - I've got to have patience to do it.

So, after hearing the message again today - I'm practicing following God's will even when it's hard. I've got a lot of good things coming in my life, a lot of unknowns. But I know in my heart that He will take care of me. I've just got to let him. As Jason Miller said today (I probably am a little off), but "You can try to control your life, or you can try to live it but only God can give you life."

What a gift cause if everything always went according to my plan, it sure would be boring!!!!

Natural Pleasures...

Today's Focus Your Day reflection was on "Natural Pleasures":

Unfortunately too many people in our society try to capture euphoria through pills, alcohol and other forms of drugs. It never completely works. Those who see euphoria through drugs find that the experience eventually betrays them. And yet, everyone needs some pleasurable moments in life. We owe it to ourselves to find those pleasures that can bring us good feelings in natural ways. Life offers many such possibilities, if we pay attention to them.

I'm grateful this afternoon because I was able to do just that this morning. I was able to get out in nature and run a beautiful fall half-marathon in Middlebury, Indiana. We started out at Loveway, a horse facility for therapeutic riding. Horses are close to my heart because they got me through a lot of my childhood. At the start of the race, we went up to get a picture with one who was feisty about getting a photo with us. Then he just nuzzled his nose right against my shoulder like a good friend. It brought me right back to why I loved them as a kid.

As we left the course, we saw a few around a bend just staring at us as we rode by wondering what we were doing. The hills of this "Haunted Hilly Half-Marathon" were brutal but the scenery made up for it. The crimson color trees, the rolling hills of which at every turn you'd see another landscape, and the horse and buggies driving by once in a while made me feel like I was back home in Pennsylvania.

Nature is healing for me and to combine it with horses and gorgeous scenery was just out of this world. I'm blessed that I can run a distance today like a half-marathon in a different way than I used to. I used to do it to purge the calories I'd eaten the day before and to beat my body into fitter shape. Today when I get to run a distance like that, it's a gift. My body is able to move and my mind can soak in the surroundings instead of being filled with thoughts of hating my body. Thank you God, for surrounding me with natural pleasures I can appreciate today...

Feeling God's tug on my heart for service...

From one of my Hazelden reflections today:

"There is nothing so moving - not even acts of love or hate - as the discovery that one is not alone."
—Robert Ardrey

Nothing is too difficult or fearful for us to handle with the help of our Higher Power. When we develop the habit of letting God ease our way, our fears are gone.

Sometimes our fears can keep us from not truly living in the moment. They can be brought on by how we think our past may be affecting who we are today. They can be brought on by fear of change in the future. I've had a lot of really positive changes in my life lately that have brought out fear. Fear used to be something I would try to stuff down. Now that I don't have anything to numb it with - I face it. The way I face it is by connecting to others who have fears themselves and are willing to talk about them. I think we forget sometimes that fear is the opposite of faith and in order to live fully...we have to have faith that God created us for a purpose and have faith that he will carry us through.

I know my purpose. I know I'm supposed to help people who suffer from obesity and unhealthy lifestyles to break free from their struggles. Today I was meeting with a client who was talking about a family member who just had surgery and struggle severely with her weight. As I listened my heart just filled with God's love...because my heart is with her. In fact, I actually welled up with tears thinking that no one deserves to live like that - not knowing why or how to get help.

So when I get in fear, I just get on mission. I also practice acceptance. I'm where I am today for a reason. I was supposed to connect with that woman, who will connect with her family member for a reason. They both deserve to be loved as people created by God, not rejected as people who others see as lacking willpower. I pray that God will continue to guide me on my journey...

Fear's grip on us...

"If you knew who walks beside you, fear would be impossible." - A course in Miracles

I lived in fear for so long, fear I would lose what I had and never get what I actually wanted. I also for so long, had no idea what I wanted. I didn't know who I was. I only knew that I wasn't good enough yet, that I had to work harder at it to find me. God was in my life, but I thought I wasn't worth anything until I was like him and I just kept failing. I couldn't measure up. I always focused on how I looked, what I had, how I measured up.

Most of the time - it was my weight. Once I lose this weight, I'll be accepted, I would tell myself. So many people in our world believe that truth today. (You don't have to!! It's a lie!) Every time I felt insecure, I took it back to my weight. It wasn't until I was 31 in treatment that I realized it wasn't about my weight. My weight, was the manifestation of my fears. I was wearing my pain. I was focusing on my pain and trying to fix it. I couldn't see that God was inside me. I couldn't hear that healthy voice telling me that I was this beautiful person on the inside....until I let go...

It was in that moment that I realized, I can't do this by myself that I realized He was walking beside me. I couldn't be alone with my thoughts because no matter how much weight I'd lose, they'd still be there if I didn't learn to cope with them. I had been playing God, and I wasn't Him...I was me, and I needed his help. That moment of realization was when I took his hand for real. But ever since that moment, I've had to give him my hand thousands of times. I constantly have to surrender to him because my fears can return. I am human. I have fears. But they no longer own me, or run my life. I know they are just feelings or thoughts, and I don't have to turn to some outer substance to make them feel better anymore. I can go within....I can FULLY trust that I am on a JOURNEY. There is no longer a destination. I am LIVING.

When I find myself fearing I'm going to lose something or get something I have to remember that God's got me in his hands. I don't have to go into that tailspin, and if I get a little caught up, I can always remember who is beside me and INSIDE me.

Faith instead of horoscopes...

" Face the future but face it only with a brave and happy heart. Do not seek to see it. You are robbing Faith of her sublime sweetness if you do this. Just know that all is well and that Faith, not seeing, but believing, is the barque that will bear you to safety, over the stormy waters." - Russell

We are people who often fear the unknown. We love to worry about the future.

It's a favorite pastime of mine as well. I dove headfirst into that fear by reading multiple horoscopes religiously on the web. It was an unhealthy addiction to the drama of what I wanted to hear and what I didn't want to hear. There is one specifically (that I won't name for all of you horoscope junkies) that gets posted the first of the month and gives you the whole month. It's one that's been hard to let go of because I loved knowing what my month is going to look like.

But yesterday July 1st was different - my healthy voice asked me if it really helped me last time I read it. It said it's favorite line, "Do you really want to sign up for that pain?" And I said, "No. I don't want the extra drama." So grateful that I did. My need for them and attention to them has waned drastically in my recovery. But even when I take them less seriously, they still affect me. It's like the devil, my unhealthy voice trying to creep into my thoughts without me knowing it. If something happens I think, oh...that's what the horoscope said. REALLY?

We are addicted to the outcomes. We want to know what's going to happen and when. Our unhealthy voices get attached to "What if" and we worry about what will happen, or how our past will affect the future. Yet all of it takes away from loving ourselves and living in the moment. We don't need it. What we need is faith.

When we can recognize that we have outgrown a behavior, we can recognize how much we've grown. Today I am so grateful for my life and the people in it, and the possibilities to come. My unhealthy voice wants me to see all those possibilities as unknowns. It wants me to feel insecure because I don't know what's going to happen. But I must remember, that life is all about change. We strive for security, but it's not about that. It's about growth. If we can embrace the growth and change on the journey...and turn to our Healthy Voice or Higher Power, we can be at peace...

The Need for Approval

"Lighten up! Your Higher Self demands nothing of you. You do not have to prove yourself to God. You did not arrive now-here incomplete in any way. You do not have to strive to prove anything." - W. Dyer


Being thinner, smarter, prettier, wealthier do not make you more special. They do not make you more complete. You are complete in every way RIGHT now. I've learned in my recovery that this is incredibly true. Last night I was writing a blog to overweight kids and their parents reflecting on the premiere of the show "Huge" trying to share the same sentiment. You are not your weight...We often think we need to be certain way for our families to love us. For a long time, I thought I had to live my life exactly as they had planned for me. After being reminded of my overweight teen-dom in that show last night, I remembered how much I thought that my validity as a person depended on my weight. Losing weight was the way I strove for their approval.

Today, I know that they love me. I also know we have our differences, and that is okay. But this Sunday afternoon I started to think about them more, how much I want to reach out to them - not to share my accomplishments but to just BE, and tell them how much I cherish and love them. A few days later, I'd spoken to a few and with both I felt that I was like a faucet with my words - explaining my life away. I got off the phone and I'm like - what was THAT? I have many experience in recovery standing outside of myself but this one just shocked me. I realized it was a need for approval, a habit that my Healthy Voice hit me over the head with, "This no longer serves you. Be you." And so I woke up this morning realizing that I so want them to know me in my company...with no need for updates on progress in life. Just BEING. This has been hard for me...

And today, I got an email from my Dad about something that had the words, "I love you to eternity." The tears streamed down my face not just because it's my Dad, but because it was a reminder that It's time to let go of the approval. I have become so intimate and raw with people in my life but there are some people including members of my family, that I haven't let go there because I've often felt like I needed their approval first. What an OLD thought that was holding me back....Then I read these reflections....

From In the Rooms: How can we expect to feel fulfilled if we do not tell each other the truth about who we are and what we feel?...To create more fulfilling lives, we must speak to each other with more intimacy. The word intimacy is built on "into me see." If you want more intimacy in your life, let others see into you more, and let them know that you can see into them. Then, meaningful communication will not be resigned to a few scraps, but will nourish you like a rich banquet. Help me penetrate to the heart in my communications with others. I am intimately joined with my beloveds and with God.

Let us open our natures, throw wide the doors of our hearts and let in the sunshine of good will and kindness.
—O. S. Marden...You are capable of so much more than you know. Jump into life and enjoy finding out how very much higher you can soar. - Marston

What my Healthy Voice is essentially telling me is:
You've got this. Striving for approval, you know - doesn't serve you anymore. So let it go. Let those who you haven't let get to know you beyond your goals in life, know you for who you are today. Take it one day at a time, but the door is open now for you to heal...

Funny part is that I also got an email this morning that my meeting in July in LA is going to have to move to the East Coast...where my family is. God gives us what we need...