Feeling God's tug on my heart for service...

From one of my Hazelden reflections today:

"There is nothing so moving - not even acts of love or hate - as the discovery that one is not alone."
—Robert Ardrey

Nothing is too difficult or fearful for us to handle with the help of our Higher Power. When we develop the habit of letting God ease our way, our fears are gone.

Sometimes our fears can keep us from not truly living in the moment. They can be brought on by how we think our past may be affecting who we are today. They can be brought on by fear of change in the future. I've had a lot of really positive changes in my life lately that have brought out fear. Fear used to be something I would try to stuff down. Now that I don't have anything to numb it with - I face it. The way I face it is by connecting to others who have fears themselves and are willing to talk about them. I think we forget sometimes that fear is the opposite of faith and in order to live fully...we have to have faith that God created us for a purpose and have faith that he will carry us through.

I know my purpose. I know I'm supposed to help people who suffer from obesity and unhealthy lifestyles to break free from their struggles. Today I was meeting with a client who was talking about a family member who just had surgery and struggle severely with her weight. As I listened my heart just filled with God's love...because my heart is with her. In fact, I actually welled up with tears thinking that no one deserves to live like that - not knowing why or how to get help.

So when I get in fear, I just get on mission. I also practice acceptance. I'm where I am today for a reason. I was supposed to connect with that woman, who will connect with her family member for a reason. They both deserve to be loved as people created by God, not rejected as people who others see as lacking willpower. I pray that God will continue to guide me on my journey...

Fear's grip on us...

"If you knew who walks beside you, fear would be impossible." - A course in Miracles

I lived in fear for so long, fear I would lose what I had and never get what I actually wanted. I also for so long, had no idea what I wanted. I didn't know who I was. I only knew that I wasn't good enough yet, that I had to work harder at it to find me. God was in my life, but I thought I wasn't worth anything until I was like him and I just kept failing. I couldn't measure up. I always focused on how I looked, what I had, how I measured up.

Most of the time - it was my weight. Once I lose this weight, I'll be accepted, I would tell myself. So many people in our world believe that truth today. (You don't have to!! It's a lie!) Every time I felt insecure, I took it back to my weight. It wasn't until I was 31 in treatment that I realized it wasn't about my weight. My weight, was the manifestation of my fears. I was wearing my pain. I was focusing on my pain and trying to fix it. I couldn't see that God was inside me. I couldn't hear that healthy voice telling me that I was this beautiful person on the inside....until I let go...

It was in that moment that I realized, I can't do this by myself that I realized He was walking beside me. I couldn't be alone with my thoughts because no matter how much weight I'd lose, they'd still be there if I didn't learn to cope with them. I had been playing God, and I wasn't Him...I was me, and I needed his help. That moment of realization was when I took his hand for real. But ever since that moment, I've had to give him my hand thousands of times. I constantly have to surrender to him because my fears can return. I am human. I have fears. But they no longer own me, or run my life. I know they are just feelings or thoughts, and I don't have to turn to some outer substance to make them feel better anymore. I can go within....I can FULLY trust that I am on a JOURNEY. There is no longer a destination. I am LIVING.

When I find myself fearing I'm going to lose something or get something I have to remember that God's got me in his hands. I don't have to go into that tailspin, and if I get a little caught up, I can always remember who is beside me and INSIDE me.

Faith instead of horoscopes...

" Face the future but face it only with a brave and happy heart. Do not seek to see it. You are robbing Faith of her sublime sweetness if you do this. Just know that all is well and that Faith, not seeing, but believing, is the barque that will bear you to safety, over the stormy waters." - Russell

We are people who often fear the unknown. We love to worry about the future.

It's a favorite pastime of mine as well. I dove headfirst into that fear by reading multiple horoscopes religiously on the web. It was an unhealthy addiction to the drama of what I wanted to hear and what I didn't want to hear. There is one specifically (that I won't name for all of you horoscope junkies) that gets posted the first of the month and gives you the whole month. It's one that's been hard to let go of because I loved knowing what my month is going to look like.

But yesterday July 1st was different - my healthy voice asked me if it really helped me last time I read it. It said it's favorite line, "Do you really want to sign up for that pain?" And I said, "No. I don't want the extra drama." So grateful that I did. My need for them and attention to them has waned drastically in my recovery. But even when I take them less seriously, they still affect me. It's like the devil, my unhealthy voice trying to creep into my thoughts without me knowing it. If something happens I think, oh...that's what the horoscope said. REALLY?

We are addicted to the outcomes. We want to know what's going to happen and when. Our unhealthy voices get attached to "What if" and we worry about what will happen, or how our past will affect the future. Yet all of it takes away from loving ourselves and living in the moment. We don't need it. What we need is faith.

When we can recognize that we have outgrown a behavior, we can recognize how much we've grown. Today I am so grateful for my life and the people in it, and the possibilities to come. My unhealthy voice wants me to see all those possibilities as unknowns. It wants me to feel insecure because I don't know what's going to happen. But I must remember, that life is all about change. We strive for security, but it's not about that. It's about growth. If we can embrace the growth and change on the journey...and turn to our Healthy Voice or Higher Power, we can be at peace...

The Need for Approval

"Lighten up! Your Higher Self demands nothing of you. You do not have to prove yourself to God. You did not arrive now-here incomplete in any way. You do not have to strive to prove anything." - W. Dyer


Being thinner, smarter, prettier, wealthier do not make you more special. They do not make you more complete. You are complete in every way RIGHT now. I've learned in my recovery that this is incredibly true. Last night I was writing a blog to overweight kids and their parents reflecting on the premiere of the show "Huge" trying to share the same sentiment. You are not your weight...We often think we need to be certain way for our families to love us. For a long time, I thought I had to live my life exactly as they had planned for me. After being reminded of my overweight teen-dom in that show last night, I remembered how much I thought that my validity as a person depended on my weight. Losing weight was the way I strove for their approval.

Today, I know that they love me. I also know we have our differences, and that is okay. But this Sunday afternoon I started to think about them more, how much I want to reach out to them - not to share my accomplishments but to just BE, and tell them how much I cherish and love them. A few days later, I'd spoken to a few and with both I felt that I was like a faucet with my words - explaining my life away. I got off the phone and I'm like - what was THAT? I have many experience in recovery standing outside of myself but this one just shocked me. I realized it was a need for approval, a habit that my Healthy Voice hit me over the head with, "This no longer serves you. Be you." And so I woke up this morning realizing that I so want them to know me in my company...with no need for updates on progress in life. Just BEING. This has been hard for me...

And today, I got an email from my Dad about something that had the words, "I love you to eternity." The tears streamed down my face not just because it's my Dad, but because it was a reminder that It's time to let go of the approval. I have become so intimate and raw with people in my life but there are some people including members of my family, that I haven't let go there because I've often felt like I needed their approval first. What an OLD thought that was holding me back....Then I read these reflections....

From In the Rooms: How can we expect to feel fulfilled if we do not tell each other the truth about who we are and what we feel?...To create more fulfilling lives, we must speak to each other with more intimacy. The word intimacy is built on "into me see." If you want more intimacy in your life, let others see into you more, and let them know that you can see into them. Then, meaningful communication will not be resigned to a few scraps, but will nourish you like a rich banquet. Help me penetrate to the heart in my communications with others. I am intimately joined with my beloveds and with God.

Let us open our natures, throw wide the doors of our hearts and let in the sunshine of good will and kindness.
—O. S. Marden...You are capable of so much more than you know. Jump into life and enjoy finding out how very much higher you can soar. - Marston

What my Healthy Voice is essentially telling me is:
You've got this. Striving for approval, you know - doesn't serve you anymore. So let it go. Let those who you haven't let get to know you beyond your goals in life, know you for who you are today. Take it one day at a time, but the door is open now for you to heal...

Funny part is that I also got an email this morning that my meeting in July in LA is going to have to move to the East Coast...where my family is. God gives us what we need...

Embracing the Journey

When I woke up today to do my daily meditations, I heard these messages from different readings:

The only thing necessary is to give fully of what you have no matter how little...The journey of life is a very happy one, as long as I'm willing to accept change and responsibility...the bittersweet feeling of making a sacrifice to do what is right...Keep it simple...What we each discover again and again, is that the solution to any problem becomes apparent when we stop searching for it...Today, God, help me remember that during times of transition, my faith and my self are being strengthened..."My art and profession is to live." -- Montaigne...Even though you don't feel like it, do it anyway. Then see how great you will suddenly field.

I have a plaque on my wall by the window. It's a picture of a compass with an Emerson quote above it. It says: "Life is a journey, not a destination."
I've reminded my clients of this plaque this week. I've also had to remind myself of it's importance. It just shows you how God works in wonderful ways - how we are all in this journey together. Even though we may be at different points, we are all on the same one. I am blessed to lead people along a path to a better life. It is through my struggles that I can bring hope...

Often times, when we're given an opportunity to grow, we like the idea but we don't want to move forward with it. We're scared. Our unhealthy voice barks in our heads that it isn't a good idea. So we listen, and go back and forth in our heads until we just can't take it anymore. We get tired. We reach out for help, and find that walking through the open door gives us exactly what we need.

As humans, we're often scared of change because we're perfectionists. We're planning the outcome before we take the first step. We think we have to know where the finish line is so that we can make it to the end. But then we miss out on today, because we're too focused on what's down the road a few miles. The thing is - is that if we're focused on the outcome of the change, we're focused on the chaos of all the different scenarios that could occur in light of this change. I've been doing it myself with an opportunity that has come my way. I've figured out a million different scenarios of how it could all work out and finally last night after doing that for a week - I just confided in a friend and let it go. I needed that friend to help me walk me up to that door and REALIZE how great of an opportunity it is that I'm being given. It's one of the ways that I feel I've been called to serve on this earth and the door has opened for me to serve. How grateful am I?!

I am at peace this morning, because I woke up realizing I was listening too much to my Unhealthy Voice. My Healthy Voice awoke and has reminded me of this:

It is in the times when we don't know what's next, or we don't know the outcome that we struggle the most. But it is also in these times of transition that we find our greatest strength. We are like a caterpillar getting ready to burst open with wings into a butterfly. If we can just stick it out a little longer, and appreciate the moment we're in now as part of the process- we can rest in the fact that this growth spurt is going to bring great things. We just have to enjoy the journey.

Taking action when it comes to finances....

It's been a while since I've posted on here. Core Wellness is very much about how my story can help people to heal reasons they continue to numb themselves with food. This blog is really about my recovery. Just because I'm helping people, doesn't mean that I don't have to live one day at a time and go through the same growing pains...

This morning I had a revelation about a situation I've been in for a long time. It doesn't have to do with the food, but I know many times it would make me think about drowning myself in it. It has to do with the security of money. When my Dad left when I was young, he made sure to take care of me financially in any way that I needed. So over the years, and through my sickness...I became dependent on it. I became dependent on that reassurance. I remember last year when I was in treatment, I had my 31st birthday and my parents didn't send me any packages. I was devastated and almost felt worthless. After a good breakdown, I realized that it was in the money and material things that I had found my worth, and I wasn't that person anymore. In that moment I let go of my belief that money would buy happiness.

What I didn't let go of was the thought that it still gave me security. Yet, I still put tremendous pressure on myself, that it is not going as fast as it should. I had a revelation this past Christmas that money was a problem for me (as it is for many addicts) and began getting serious about keeping a budget, watching where my money went, and taking a course in Financial Peace with Dave Ramsey to get me focused. Yet as a graduate student, starting a business and a recovering addict trying to become financially independent I had these ambitious goals when the money wasn't there. I was committed to changing my patterns with it, and become responsible about it - but not without an income. So I ended up staying in that place of searching for financial security - almost demanding it and it put a tremendous strain on my relationship with my parents. I had become dependent on that resource and it hurt us all.

I have just finished sharing a great USC vs. ND football weekend with my parents, their friends and my boyfriend. I see that despite my situation, their love is still there. So when I heard the sermon this morning talking about how God wants us to get out of our comfort zone so we can draw closer to him, I started taking notes and out on the paper came this:

Wow, that is why I'm struggling so hard with my parents on money because I feel that my dependence on them is keeping me from God because it's not right! God has gotten me to this place, after a time of bitterness and resentment that I wasn't getting what I needed to tell me that he wants me stop behaving in this way so I can draw closer to Him! It causes me to get so angry at them which doesn't feel Godly to me. It feels so childlike. I want to draw closer to God and here I am, acting like an ungrateful, spoiled child that deserves financial security from them because I'm an entrepreneur, and I'm in recovery etc. What needs to happen is that I need to be trusting in GOD, not seeking their financial security!

The way I've been doing this has hurt my relationship with them, with myself and with God and I don't want to do it like this anymore. I don't want to be angry anymore. I want to be free of that. Sure, part of me believes that getting financially independent will make everything better. But it won't. There will be lots of wounds to heal, and more work to do. But in the meantime, I don't have to act like they are supposed to provide for me but see where I can do MY part.

Yes, I'm starting my business, and working part-time but I want to see where I can contribute to what they have done and are doing for me. It's tremendous and I know as I become more financially independent, I will see it even more. No, I don't know exactly know how it's going to go but I want to shift my own approach to it and say, this is what I'm doing for my finances NOT this is what I need from you to survive. Life is not about survival. It's about living in abundance and I don't want to waste another second living in lack. I'm scared but I'm ready.

Today I heard...

"Stir up a hunger inside to know You."

"Leave something behind in order to head to Jesus."

Jesus says, "I'm with you as you go."

I'm committed to letting go of my angry, fear-ridden behavior around finances and trust that God is there as I head down the road. I'm committed to His will, not MY will that the "comfortable" financial stability my parents have always given me will do that. It's time to shed that skin, just like I shed the skin of using my eating disorder.

I want to be honest with my parents about where I'm at and commit to changing the behaviors I've gotten so used to. I will also pray that in changing my commitment to the process, with time, it will help to heal some of the wounds it has caused. As long as I continue taking the next right step, I can have faith that will happen.

The commitment to surrender...

In program we know that once we decide to surrender to God and admit that we are powerless over our addictions and our life has become unmanageable, we can begin to let go. Some days, some weeks, I struggle with this more than others because I also know that it's a process and it's not something that once we do it, we've got it. We have to work on our spiritual practice and surrender many times on the journey. It doesn't get any easier I think, it just feels better because every time we do it after we surrender the first time, we know that our HP is waiting for us to reach out. We've opened the door to let the light in already. We're open to his love.

I know that sticking to my food plan isn't the only thing I can do to stay in my recovery. I have to practice awareness and meditate. This weekend, I was at a retreat on the Jersey Shore with Milestones in Recovery and I got a refresher on my program. I knew that I needed to go, because I had let my rest and balance and spirituality veer a little of that middle road of recovery. I knew I needed to get back. The horrendously long trip home yesterday didn't matter to me because the trip was worth it. You know that poem Footprints? I had an incredible walk with God on the beach Sunday morning, meditating to music that kept bringing me towards him like Bob Schneider's, "God is my Friend" and "You Gotta Be". Often times we think we have to sit indian style in silence to meditate but I learned this weekend, that there are so many ways to do that and hearing those songs was me walking with God. The day before I was running listening to the theme song from a movie about marathons called, "Spirit of the Marathon" completely focused, and was meditating.

I say all this because I know that for my own recovery, my spirituality is a huge part of staying on that middle road and I'm glad to know I can do it in a lot of different ways, even just sitting here writing this, I'm present. I'm grateful for that awareness and the ability to resurrender because I don't want to go back to the fear that I was living in with my addictions. I'm also grateful for my family in recovery because they are a huge part of mine.