The Need for Approval

"Lighten up! Your Higher Self demands nothing of you. You do not have to prove yourself to God. You did not arrive now-here incomplete in any way. You do not have to strive to prove anything." - W. Dyer


Being thinner, smarter, prettier, wealthier do not make you more special. They do not make you more complete. You are complete in every way RIGHT now. I've learned in my recovery that this is incredibly true. Last night I was writing a blog to overweight kids and their parents reflecting on the premiere of the show "Huge" trying to share the same sentiment. You are not your weight...We often think we need to be certain way for our families to love us. For a long time, I thought I had to live my life exactly as they had planned for me. After being reminded of my overweight teen-dom in that show last night, I remembered how much I thought that my validity as a person depended on my weight. Losing weight was the way I strove for their approval.

Today, I know that they love me. I also know we have our differences, and that is okay. But this Sunday afternoon I started to think about them more, how much I want to reach out to them - not to share my accomplishments but to just BE, and tell them how much I cherish and love them. A few days later, I'd spoken to a few and with both I felt that I was like a faucet with my words - explaining my life away. I got off the phone and I'm like - what was THAT? I have many experience in recovery standing outside of myself but this one just shocked me. I realized it was a need for approval, a habit that my Healthy Voice hit me over the head with, "This no longer serves you. Be you." And so I woke up this morning realizing that I so want them to know me in my company...with no need for updates on progress in life. Just BEING. This has been hard for me...

And today, I got an email from my Dad about something that had the words, "I love you to eternity." The tears streamed down my face not just because it's my Dad, but because it was a reminder that It's time to let go of the approval. I have become so intimate and raw with people in my life but there are some people including members of my family, that I haven't let go there because I've often felt like I needed their approval first. What an OLD thought that was holding me back....Then I read these reflections....

From In the Rooms: How can we expect to feel fulfilled if we do not tell each other the truth about who we are and what we feel?...To create more fulfilling lives, we must speak to each other with more intimacy. The word intimacy is built on "into me see." If you want more intimacy in your life, let others see into you more, and let them know that you can see into them. Then, meaningful communication will not be resigned to a few scraps, but will nourish you like a rich banquet. Help me penetrate to the heart in my communications with others. I am intimately joined with my beloveds and with God.

Let us open our natures, throw wide the doors of our hearts and let in the sunshine of good will and kindness.
—O. S. Marden...You are capable of so much more than you know. Jump into life and enjoy finding out how very much higher you can soar. - Marston

What my Healthy Voice is essentially telling me is:
You've got this. Striving for approval, you know - doesn't serve you anymore. So let it go. Let those who you haven't let get to know you beyond your goals in life, know you for who you are today. Take it one day at a time, but the door is open now for you to heal...

Funny part is that I also got an email this morning that my meeting in July in LA is going to have to move to the East Coast...where my family is. God gives us what we need...

Embracing the Journey

When I woke up today to do my daily meditations, I heard these messages from different readings:

The only thing necessary is to give fully of what you have no matter how little...The journey of life is a very happy one, as long as I'm willing to accept change and responsibility...the bittersweet feeling of making a sacrifice to do what is right...Keep it simple...What we each discover again and again, is that the solution to any problem becomes apparent when we stop searching for it...Today, God, help me remember that during times of transition, my faith and my self are being strengthened..."My art and profession is to live." -- Montaigne...Even though you don't feel like it, do it anyway. Then see how great you will suddenly field.

I have a plaque on my wall by the window. It's a picture of a compass with an Emerson quote above it. It says: "Life is a journey, not a destination."
I've reminded my clients of this plaque this week. I've also had to remind myself of it's importance. It just shows you how God works in wonderful ways - how we are all in this journey together. Even though we may be at different points, we are all on the same one. I am blessed to lead people along a path to a better life. It is through my struggles that I can bring hope...

Often times, when we're given an opportunity to grow, we like the idea but we don't want to move forward with it. We're scared. Our unhealthy voice barks in our heads that it isn't a good idea. So we listen, and go back and forth in our heads until we just can't take it anymore. We get tired. We reach out for help, and find that walking through the open door gives us exactly what we need.

As humans, we're often scared of change because we're perfectionists. We're planning the outcome before we take the first step. We think we have to know where the finish line is so that we can make it to the end. But then we miss out on today, because we're too focused on what's down the road a few miles. The thing is - is that if we're focused on the outcome of the change, we're focused on the chaos of all the different scenarios that could occur in light of this change. I've been doing it myself with an opportunity that has come my way. I've figured out a million different scenarios of how it could all work out and finally last night after doing that for a week - I just confided in a friend and let it go. I needed that friend to help me walk me up to that door and REALIZE how great of an opportunity it is that I'm being given. It's one of the ways that I feel I've been called to serve on this earth and the door has opened for me to serve. How grateful am I?!

I am at peace this morning, because I woke up realizing I was listening too much to my Unhealthy Voice. My Healthy Voice awoke and has reminded me of this:

It is in the times when we don't know what's next, or we don't know the outcome that we struggle the most. But it is also in these times of transition that we find our greatest strength. We are like a caterpillar getting ready to burst open with wings into a butterfly. If we can just stick it out a little longer, and appreciate the moment we're in now as part of the process- we can rest in the fact that this growth spurt is going to bring great things. We just have to enjoy the journey.

Taking action when it comes to finances....

It's been a while since I've posted on here. Core Wellness is very much about how my story can help people to heal reasons they continue to numb themselves with food. This blog is really about my recovery. Just because I'm helping people, doesn't mean that I don't have to live one day at a time and go through the same growing pains...

This morning I had a revelation about a situation I've been in for a long time. It doesn't have to do with the food, but I know many times it would make me think about drowning myself in it. It has to do with the security of money. When my Dad left when I was young, he made sure to take care of me financially in any way that I needed. So over the years, and through my sickness...I became dependent on it. I became dependent on that reassurance. I remember last year when I was in treatment, I had my 31st birthday and my parents didn't send me any packages. I was devastated and almost felt worthless. After a good breakdown, I realized that it was in the money and material things that I had found my worth, and I wasn't that person anymore. In that moment I let go of my belief that money would buy happiness.

What I didn't let go of was the thought that it still gave me security. Yet, I still put tremendous pressure on myself, that it is not going as fast as it should. I had a revelation this past Christmas that money was a problem for me (as it is for many addicts) and began getting serious about keeping a budget, watching where my money went, and taking a course in Financial Peace with Dave Ramsey to get me focused. Yet as a graduate student, starting a business and a recovering addict trying to become financially independent I had these ambitious goals when the money wasn't there. I was committed to changing my patterns with it, and become responsible about it - but not without an income. So I ended up staying in that place of searching for financial security - almost demanding it and it put a tremendous strain on my relationship with my parents. I had become dependent on that resource and it hurt us all.

I have just finished sharing a great USC vs. ND football weekend with my parents, their friends and my boyfriend. I see that despite my situation, their love is still there. So when I heard the sermon this morning talking about how God wants us to get out of our comfort zone so we can draw closer to him, I started taking notes and out on the paper came this:

Wow, that is why I'm struggling so hard with my parents on money because I feel that my dependence on them is keeping me from God because it's not right! God has gotten me to this place, after a time of bitterness and resentment that I wasn't getting what I needed to tell me that he wants me stop behaving in this way so I can draw closer to Him! It causes me to get so angry at them which doesn't feel Godly to me. It feels so childlike. I want to draw closer to God and here I am, acting like an ungrateful, spoiled child that deserves financial security from them because I'm an entrepreneur, and I'm in recovery etc. What needs to happen is that I need to be trusting in GOD, not seeking their financial security!

The way I've been doing this has hurt my relationship with them, with myself and with God and I don't want to do it like this anymore. I don't want to be angry anymore. I want to be free of that. Sure, part of me believes that getting financially independent will make everything better. But it won't. There will be lots of wounds to heal, and more work to do. But in the meantime, I don't have to act like they are supposed to provide for me but see where I can do MY part.

Yes, I'm starting my business, and working part-time but I want to see where I can contribute to what they have done and are doing for me. It's tremendous and I know as I become more financially independent, I will see it even more. No, I don't know exactly know how it's going to go but I want to shift my own approach to it and say, this is what I'm doing for my finances NOT this is what I need from you to survive. Life is not about survival. It's about living in abundance and I don't want to waste another second living in lack. I'm scared but I'm ready.

Today I heard...

"Stir up a hunger inside to know You."

"Leave something behind in order to head to Jesus."

Jesus says, "I'm with you as you go."

I'm committed to letting go of my angry, fear-ridden behavior around finances and trust that God is there as I head down the road. I'm committed to His will, not MY will that the "comfortable" financial stability my parents have always given me will do that. It's time to shed that skin, just like I shed the skin of using my eating disorder.

I want to be honest with my parents about where I'm at and commit to changing the behaviors I've gotten so used to. I will also pray that in changing my commitment to the process, with time, it will help to heal some of the wounds it has caused. As long as I continue taking the next right step, I can have faith that will happen.

The commitment to surrender...

In program we know that once we decide to surrender to God and admit that we are powerless over our addictions and our life has become unmanageable, we can begin to let go. Some days, some weeks, I struggle with this more than others because I also know that it's a process and it's not something that once we do it, we've got it. We have to work on our spiritual practice and surrender many times on the journey. It doesn't get any easier I think, it just feels better because every time we do it after we surrender the first time, we know that our HP is waiting for us to reach out. We've opened the door to let the light in already. We're open to his love.

I know that sticking to my food plan isn't the only thing I can do to stay in my recovery. I have to practice awareness and meditate. This weekend, I was at a retreat on the Jersey Shore with Milestones in Recovery and I got a refresher on my program. I knew that I needed to go, because I had let my rest and balance and spirituality veer a little of that middle road of recovery. I knew I needed to get back. The horrendously long trip home yesterday didn't matter to me because the trip was worth it. You know that poem Footprints? I had an incredible walk with God on the beach Sunday morning, meditating to music that kept bringing me towards him like Bob Schneider's, "God is my Friend" and "You Gotta Be". Often times we think we have to sit indian style in silence to meditate but I learned this weekend, that there are so many ways to do that and hearing those songs was me walking with God. The day before I was running listening to the theme song from a movie about marathons called, "Spirit of the Marathon" completely focused, and was meditating.

I say all this because I know that for my own recovery, my spirituality is a huge part of staying on that middle road and I'm glad to know I can do it in a lot of different ways, even just sitting here writing this, I'm present. I'm grateful for that awareness and the ability to resurrender because I don't want to go back to the fear that I was living in with my addictions. I'm also grateful for my family in recovery because they are a huge part of mine.

Choosing to live in love rather than fear....

I can hold onto fear that serves the purpose of keeping compulsion alive, or I can turn my life - one moment at a time - over to my Higher Power. Fear keeps me locked into self-will. The fears that clamp my being into compulsion fall by the wayside as I open my heart to God.

This Reflection is from, For Today, an Overeaters Anonymous reflection book. I think when we fear, we are always worrying about what is going to happen in the future based on our past. We think we can't handle it, because we've been too hurt or we don't want to let go of our compulsions. I also believe that when we live in fear, we are self-willed because we are fearful that God's will won't take care of us, that we have to hold on tight because the ride is too rough to handle without our compulsions. But if we're living in God's will, we don't have to fear because he is with us the whole way and he's with us on the way from self-will to His will.

Yesterday was Easter, a day to celebrate the gift that we have been given of God's forgiveness of our sins. What a gift that he invites us to always be on the path towards Him. He delights when we are doing His will, in loving ourselves and serving others but he's there when we are self-willed too, loving us - waiting for us to cross that bridge with him.

I know right now, I'm at a stressful time in my life, finishing up one of my last semesters of grad school and many fears arise and those fears often send me into my head (not a safe neighborhood) or send me into thinking about the food. I also feel the stress in my stomach and so I get self-conscious about that...but I just have to accept that is what happens when I'm stressed and this too will pass. I don't have to let that fear of not getting my work done, or gaining weight overwhelm my thoughts. I can just be, and try to live in the moment, and do what nurtures me.

Healing through flailing...

Our happiness is not a present someone else holds in his or her hands. Our well-being is not held by another to be given or withheld at whim. If we reach out and try to force someone to give us what we believe he or she holds, we will be disappointed...if we can find the courage to stop flailing about and instead stand still and deal with our issues, we will find our happiness.

Healing will come when we're aware of how we attempt to use others to stop our pain and create our happiness. We will heal from the past. We will receive insights that can change the course of our relationships.

We will see that, all along, our happiness and our well-being have been in our hands.

My reflection today is on Language of Letting Go again. This reading really reaches me because there is a part of my life that I literally have been flailing around about for a long time, trying to get others to fix it and it's not just my recovery. It's something that I realize now I acted like quite a child about (as we do in our disease), and know that relying on another person to take care of it for me and then acting like I wanted to learn, but still relying on someone only made me more frustrated because I didn't know my own power with it. I would flail about when I would talk about it because I didn't own it. I just wanted someone else to stop the pain it was causing and WOW now that I realize this, I can just see how much better I will feel and my relationships will be. I know that I have to work through this, one step at a time, on my own and God will be there right with me.

It is sorta like my recovery. I needed to get to the point where I was ready. I needed to hit that bottom myself and be ready and willing to just take God's hand. I just wasn't strong enough, and I was only going more into my disease, ruining my relationship with all those people I was trying to get to rescue me. I needed to be around the people who got me so I could get better, and know that I'm just as worthy to be alive as those people I used to be friends with.

I'm really looking forward next week to going on a retreat with my treatment center. I need it right now. I woke up today feeling not great about my body image and it truthfully has me flailing about. Thankfully, I'm not in the food. I think when I feel like this now, the last place I want to go is the food. But I know, that I can only find that balance within myself by taking care of myself. I don't have to let how I feel about my body today, bleed into other parts of my life because it just is what it is and I am going through it physically and emotionally for a reason. It will pass and I can get through it, today.

Amazing love..

The only reason you're alive is because you were made to be loved by God. If God didn't want you alive, your heart would stop instantly; you wouldn't even be breathing right now. God made you and wants you alive so He can love you and you can love Him back.

There's a myth that says I've got to clean up my act before I can come to God. "I've got to get it all together. There are a few things I've got to get in my life right first, and then I'll come to God." God says, "No, no! You don't have to clean up your act. Just bring it all to me. Bring me all your problems. I have the answer. I have all the answers." You don't wait. Jesus says, "Come as you are."

God is not asking you to make a promise you can't keep. God is asking you to believe a promise that only he can keep.

This is from Rick Warren's Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotional today, and since it's Holy Thursday, I think it's a good time to reflect on this topic. I think so many of us think that we have to always be reaching for perfection or we think we have to live like God because he was perfect and we have it all wrong. First of all, perfection has been removed from my vocabulary because He is the only one that is perfect. It wasn't until treatment that I realized that perfectionist didn't mean perfect, it meant always thinking you can be perfect and reaching for it when you can't - it's completely impossible so you can let go of that one. I know in the realm of weight, this is something that many people strive for. If I can just lose these last 5 pounds, then I'll be happy. So does that mean, you only go to God when you're happy? Well, that wouldn't make sense because you know people just go to God and say, "Take this weight off me!" Now, there is a difference between telling God to take the weight off (let me know if you meet someone that works for) and letting God take it over.

When you think other people are judging you for that piece of cake you are eating when you think you could lose a couple of pounds, God isn't. He's just wanting you to reach your hand out and grab hold. I wouldn't be in recovery today if I hadn't accepted that I'm powerless over certain things that I use to numb me. I was telling someone yesterday - food can get me in a trance that is like a strait jacket I can't get out of. Whenever I get stuck in that, I go to God. We have to accept that controlling our weight is us being completely self-willed when we need to be God-willed. God just wants us to take care of ourselves from the inside and stop fixing our outside cause you know what? When you fix your insides (finding out why you are going to those substances), the outside miraculously starts to get better.

The best part is if you're thinking, I know God hates me right now because of what I've done to my body or how I've alienated someone - he is RIGHT there next to you, just waiting for you to turn to him. So you can stop resisting him...because like true love, he's with you through the good times and the bad. You just have to love him back by loving yourself....