Taking action when it comes to finances....

It's been a while since I've posted on here. Core Wellness is very much about how my story can help people to heal reasons they continue to numb themselves with food. This blog is really about my recovery. Just because I'm helping people, doesn't mean that I don't have to live one day at a time and go through the same growing pains...

This morning I had a revelation about a situation I've been in for a long time. It doesn't have to do with the food, but I know many times it would make me think about drowning myself in it. It has to do with the security of money. When my Dad left when I was young, he made sure to take care of me financially in any way that I needed. So over the years, and through my sickness...I became dependent on it. I became dependent on that reassurance. I remember last year when I was in treatment, I had my 31st birthday and my parents didn't send me any packages. I was devastated and almost felt worthless. After a good breakdown, I realized that it was in the money and material things that I had found my worth, and I wasn't that person anymore. In that moment I let go of my belief that money would buy happiness.

What I didn't let go of was the thought that it still gave me security. Yet, I still put tremendous pressure on myself, that it is not going as fast as it should. I had a revelation this past Christmas that money was a problem for me (as it is for many addicts) and began getting serious about keeping a budget, watching where my money went, and taking a course in Financial Peace with Dave Ramsey to get me focused. Yet as a graduate student, starting a business and a recovering addict trying to become financially independent I had these ambitious goals when the money wasn't there. I was committed to changing my patterns with it, and become responsible about it - but not without an income. So I ended up staying in that place of searching for financial security - almost demanding it and it put a tremendous strain on my relationship with my parents. I had become dependent on that resource and it hurt us all.

I have just finished sharing a great USC vs. ND football weekend with my parents, their friends and my boyfriend. I see that despite my situation, their love is still there. So when I heard the sermon this morning talking about how God wants us to get out of our comfort zone so we can draw closer to him, I started taking notes and out on the paper came this:

Wow, that is why I'm struggling so hard with my parents on money because I feel that my dependence on them is keeping me from God because it's not right! God has gotten me to this place, after a time of bitterness and resentment that I wasn't getting what I needed to tell me that he wants me stop behaving in this way so I can draw closer to Him! It causes me to get so angry at them which doesn't feel Godly to me. It feels so childlike. I want to draw closer to God and here I am, acting like an ungrateful, spoiled child that deserves financial security from them because I'm an entrepreneur, and I'm in recovery etc. What needs to happen is that I need to be trusting in GOD, not seeking their financial security!

The way I've been doing this has hurt my relationship with them, with myself and with God and I don't want to do it like this anymore. I don't want to be angry anymore. I want to be free of that. Sure, part of me believes that getting financially independent will make everything better. But it won't. There will be lots of wounds to heal, and more work to do. But in the meantime, I don't have to act like they are supposed to provide for me but see where I can do MY part.

Yes, I'm starting my business, and working part-time but I want to see where I can contribute to what they have done and are doing for me. It's tremendous and I know as I become more financially independent, I will see it even more. No, I don't know exactly know how it's going to go but I want to shift my own approach to it and say, this is what I'm doing for my finances NOT this is what I need from you to survive. Life is not about survival. It's about living in abundance and I don't want to waste another second living in lack. I'm scared but I'm ready.

Today I heard...

"Stir up a hunger inside to know You."

"Leave something behind in order to head to Jesus."

Jesus says, "I'm with you as you go."

I'm committed to letting go of my angry, fear-ridden behavior around finances and trust that God is there as I head down the road. I'm committed to His will, not MY will that the "comfortable" financial stability my parents have always given me will do that. It's time to shed that skin, just like I shed the skin of using my eating disorder.

I want to be honest with my parents about where I'm at and commit to changing the behaviors I've gotten so used to. I will also pray that in changing my commitment to the process, with time, it will help to heal some of the wounds it has caused. As long as I continue taking the next right step, I can have faith that will happen.

The commitment to surrender...

In program we know that once we decide to surrender to God and admit that we are powerless over our addictions and our life has become unmanageable, we can begin to let go. Some days, some weeks, I struggle with this more than others because I also know that it's a process and it's not something that once we do it, we've got it. We have to work on our spiritual practice and surrender many times on the journey. It doesn't get any easier I think, it just feels better because every time we do it after we surrender the first time, we know that our HP is waiting for us to reach out. We've opened the door to let the light in already. We're open to his love.

I know that sticking to my food plan isn't the only thing I can do to stay in my recovery. I have to practice awareness and meditate. This weekend, I was at a retreat on the Jersey Shore with Milestones in Recovery and I got a refresher on my program. I knew that I needed to go, because I had let my rest and balance and spirituality veer a little of that middle road of recovery. I knew I needed to get back. The horrendously long trip home yesterday didn't matter to me because the trip was worth it. You know that poem Footprints? I had an incredible walk with God on the beach Sunday morning, meditating to music that kept bringing me towards him like Bob Schneider's, "God is my Friend" and "You Gotta Be". Often times we think we have to sit indian style in silence to meditate but I learned this weekend, that there are so many ways to do that and hearing those songs was me walking with God. The day before I was running listening to the theme song from a movie about marathons called, "Spirit of the Marathon" completely focused, and was meditating.

I say all this because I know that for my own recovery, my spirituality is a huge part of staying on that middle road and I'm glad to know I can do it in a lot of different ways, even just sitting here writing this, I'm present. I'm grateful for that awareness and the ability to resurrender because I don't want to go back to the fear that I was living in with my addictions. I'm also grateful for my family in recovery because they are a huge part of mine.

Choosing to live in love rather than fear....

I can hold onto fear that serves the purpose of keeping compulsion alive, or I can turn my life - one moment at a time - over to my Higher Power. Fear keeps me locked into self-will. The fears that clamp my being into compulsion fall by the wayside as I open my heart to God.

This Reflection is from, For Today, an Overeaters Anonymous reflection book. I think when we fear, we are always worrying about what is going to happen in the future based on our past. We think we can't handle it, because we've been too hurt or we don't want to let go of our compulsions. I also believe that when we live in fear, we are self-willed because we are fearful that God's will won't take care of us, that we have to hold on tight because the ride is too rough to handle without our compulsions. But if we're living in God's will, we don't have to fear because he is with us the whole way and he's with us on the way from self-will to His will.

Yesterday was Easter, a day to celebrate the gift that we have been given of God's forgiveness of our sins. What a gift that he invites us to always be on the path towards Him. He delights when we are doing His will, in loving ourselves and serving others but he's there when we are self-willed too, loving us - waiting for us to cross that bridge with him.

I know right now, I'm at a stressful time in my life, finishing up one of my last semesters of grad school and many fears arise and those fears often send me into my head (not a safe neighborhood) or send me into thinking about the food. I also feel the stress in my stomach and so I get self-conscious about that...but I just have to accept that is what happens when I'm stressed and this too will pass. I don't have to let that fear of not getting my work done, or gaining weight overwhelm my thoughts. I can just be, and try to live in the moment, and do what nurtures me.

Healing through flailing...

Our happiness is not a present someone else holds in his or her hands. Our well-being is not held by another to be given or withheld at whim. If we reach out and try to force someone to give us what we believe he or she holds, we will be disappointed...if we can find the courage to stop flailing about and instead stand still and deal with our issues, we will find our happiness.

Healing will come when we're aware of how we attempt to use others to stop our pain and create our happiness. We will heal from the past. We will receive insights that can change the course of our relationships.

We will see that, all along, our happiness and our well-being have been in our hands.

My reflection today is on Language of Letting Go again. This reading really reaches me because there is a part of my life that I literally have been flailing around about for a long time, trying to get others to fix it and it's not just my recovery. It's something that I realize now I acted like quite a child about (as we do in our disease), and know that relying on another person to take care of it for me and then acting like I wanted to learn, but still relying on someone only made me more frustrated because I didn't know my own power with it. I would flail about when I would talk about it because I didn't own it. I just wanted someone else to stop the pain it was causing and WOW now that I realize this, I can just see how much better I will feel and my relationships will be. I know that I have to work through this, one step at a time, on my own and God will be there right with me.

It is sorta like my recovery. I needed to get to the point where I was ready. I needed to hit that bottom myself and be ready and willing to just take God's hand. I just wasn't strong enough, and I was only going more into my disease, ruining my relationship with all those people I was trying to get to rescue me. I needed to be around the people who got me so I could get better, and know that I'm just as worthy to be alive as those people I used to be friends with.

I'm really looking forward next week to going on a retreat with my treatment center. I need it right now. I woke up today feeling not great about my body image and it truthfully has me flailing about. Thankfully, I'm not in the food. I think when I feel like this now, the last place I want to go is the food. But I know, that I can only find that balance within myself by taking care of myself. I don't have to let how I feel about my body today, bleed into other parts of my life because it just is what it is and I am going through it physically and emotionally for a reason. It will pass and I can get through it, today.

Amazing love..

The only reason you're alive is because you were made to be loved by God. If God didn't want you alive, your heart would stop instantly; you wouldn't even be breathing right now. God made you and wants you alive so He can love you and you can love Him back.

There's a myth that says I've got to clean up my act before I can come to God. "I've got to get it all together. There are a few things I've got to get in my life right first, and then I'll come to God." God says, "No, no! You don't have to clean up your act. Just bring it all to me. Bring me all your problems. I have the answer. I have all the answers." You don't wait. Jesus says, "Come as you are."

God is not asking you to make a promise you can't keep. God is asking you to believe a promise that only he can keep.

This is from Rick Warren's Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotional today, and since it's Holy Thursday, I think it's a good time to reflect on this topic. I think so many of us think that we have to always be reaching for perfection or we think we have to live like God because he was perfect and we have it all wrong. First of all, perfection has been removed from my vocabulary because He is the only one that is perfect. It wasn't until treatment that I realized that perfectionist didn't mean perfect, it meant always thinking you can be perfect and reaching for it when you can't - it's completely impossible so you can let go of that one. I know in the realm of weight, this is something that many people strive for. If I can just lose these last 5 pounds, then I'll be happy. So does that mean, you only go to God when you're happy? Well, that wouldn't make sense because you know people just go to God and say, "Take this weight off me!" Now, there is a difference between telling God to take the weight off (let me know if you meet someone that works for) and letting God take it over.

When you think other people are judging you for that piece of cake you are eating when you think you could lose a couple of pounds, God isn't. He's just wanting you to reach your hand out and grab hold. I wouldn't be in recovery today if I hadn't accepted that I'm powerless over certain things that I use to numb me. I was telling someone yesterday - food can get me in a trance that is like a strait jacket I can't get out of. Whenever I get stuck in that, I go to God. We have to accept that controlling our weight is us being completely self-willed when we need to be God-willed. God just wants us to take care of ourselves from the inside and stop fixing our outside cause you know what? When you fix your insides (finding out why you are going to those substances), the outside miraculously starts to get better.

The best part is if you're thinking, I know God hates me right now because of what I've done to my body or how I've alienated someone - he is RIGHT there next to you, just waiting for you to turn to him. So you can stop resisting him...because like true love, he's with you through the good times and the bad. You just have to love him back by loving yourself....

God's Time Not Mine

Ask God to help when you feel overwhelmed. Many of us have learned how to deprive and neglect ourselves. Many of us have learned to push ourselves hard, when the problem is that were already pushed too hard. Many of us are afraid the work won't get done if we rest when we're tired. The work will get done; it will be done better than work that emerges from tiredness of soul and spirit. 

This is another reading from the Language of Letting Go. I know that when I get overwhelmed I have to ask God for help. I spent too many years beating myself up for not working hard enough to be good. I wasn't skinny enough, smart enough or getting good enough times in marathons. I think part of that was because I thought I was supposed to be perfect like Him, but he loves me no matter what. I can take the pressure off myself. I don't have to seek his approval. I don't have to avoid him thinking that I don't deserve his love because of the way that I've treated my body. I don't have to give him the list of things that I want him to do. I can just work on accepting that everything will happen in His time, not mine.

There's a song, called "In God's Time" by Sonia Lee and the lyrics go like this:

I'm impatient, so it's been hard waiting on him to help me heal these scars.

But i know I can't do this by myself and I know that there's nobody else who knows better what's best for me.

Sometimes it's hard to trust something I can't see.

But he's shown me a million times before that when I'm ready, he will open up that door.

God's time, not mine. It's been hard for me to get this right.

God's time, not mine. I'm learning to let go and let him take control cause everything's gonna be just fine, in God's time.

He knows what I can't know, he hears what I can't hear, he sees what I can't see and he's looking out for me....

It's that time of year when the semester is coming to a close and schoolwork gets a little crazy. In order for the work to get done, I need to stay balanced and do the things that nourish me so that I can get my work done. I don't need to turn to excessive exercise or eat a bunch of crappy food to cope with that stress. I can do a little yoga, get some rest, eat a nutritious meal and nurture myself. Right now, I'm going to go for a short run over to campus to say hi to Him at the grotto.

Those old time feelings...

Sometimes the old feelings creep back in. We may feel fearful, ashamed and hopeless. We may feel not good enough, unlovable, victimized and resentful about it all...

Times of change can trigger these reactions...

A return to square one doesn't mean we're back to square one in our recovery. They do not mean we've failed recovery. They do not mean we are in for a long, painful session of feeling badly. They are just there. 

If the old feelings come back, know for certain there is a way out that will work.

This is a reading from the Language of Letting Go, and it really speaks to where I am today. I feel that not good enough, I'll never get it right, hopeless feeling a bit today about something I'm working on. I've learned in my recovery and getting out of myself that relationships are what makes life great, not material things. I thank God for that realization. In starting my business and taking Financial Peace University with Dave Ramsey, I'm really learning how to make money manageable. It's just those baby steps where I get frustrated, and I get to the point where I feel like I'm not good enough. But really, I am moving forward and I don't have to let 

those feelings take me over. I can practice acceptance and let them pass. 

I know if I work this, my fears of financial insecurity will pass. Responsibility is hard but it is rewarding and those small step rewards are better than numbing the fear with food or something else. I can just write it out, cry it out, talk it out. God is giving me things as I can tackle them. Sometimes it just takes a few times for certain things to click but I can be teachable with a clear head now. That's a gift. Someone said to me today that I'm basically pivoting, and reversing patterns of 30 years. Of course this is going to be hard, and it just reminds me that I have to take it one day at a time. 

Pushing water uphill...

The good news is that we don't have to make self-will work. Attempting to make the rest of the world conform to what we think we want is a little like trying to push water uphill. It's not only frustrating, it's exhausting...

This is an excerpt from today's Meditation called, Inner Harvest. It goes on to say how when we are self-willed we are stuck in our fantasy and if we let go, we can move with the "rhythm of reality" and listen to our inner voice so that we can be useful for what it is we do best.

It's amazing how self-willed I was in trying to control my food and exercise. I wouldn't let anyone tell me that I had a problem. I was eating healthy and running marathons. I was an athlete for pete's sake! Meanwhile, I was isolating. I was blocking people out of my life because I was so self-willed in controlling that stuff, and I was hurting other people doing it. I was losing friends, and it sucked. What was so amazing when I got into recovery, is that I found people who had similar journeys and the people who could help me get healthier. I finally found ME! What a concept. I wouldn't give the joy I am finding on this journey up for any piece of sugary goodness.

Funny, someone said to me about a week ago as he was enjoying homemade chocolate chip cookies, "So you never even reward yourself with one of these?" I couldn't believe it. Out of my mouth came, "Honey, I don't need that to reward myself anymore. I got better things to do that." And we laughed hysterically.

I'm extremely grateful today that i can live in the "rhythm of reality" without turning to the food to cope with it.

Surrender. Everybody knows that losers surrender and winners just keep on fighting. That idea kept me fighting my problem of food. Step One (realizing that I’m powerless over food) was easy when I finally realized that fighting my food problem in this life would never relieve me of it. In short…sanity. In surrendering I gained what years of struggle could not bring me.

This passage is an excerpt from a book called For Today from the 12-step program Overeaters Anonymous. It is something that I think we can all relate to in our struggle with food so I wanted to share it. I took out the word overeaters because I know some people are sensitive to that word. I want everyone to feel like they can share....

I think this also is a good complement to my introduction post because accepting that I'm powerless over my food issues (the bad guys), is that First Step on the bridge. We can't do it alone. I just find it amazing how nuts I went trying to control my food and exercise when my life was so insane! It was such a struggle, like I was in the ring with it. Life still gets crazy, pretty much on a daily basis but I don't have to go into the food to face it.

That first step on the bridge to freedom...

Bridges can be scary. If they look weak, you don't know if you want to cross them or not. It's like something from Indiana Jones where you are thousands of feet above water and in order to get from one cliff to the other, you have to cross a very wimpy looking bridge. You think, well it's safer to be on this side then to risk that. At least, this is solid ground. But then the bad guys have chased you there and you have no choice but to cross. It's just not safe anymore on your side.
I had to hit that point to stay alive and learn to actually live my life or else those bad guys were just going to keep convincing me that I could control my food and everything else I was compulsive about. That is why I've started this blog today.

Yes, I'm a wellness coach and consultant, but I'm also in recovery, early recovery. I am approaching 11 months and I know writing helps my journey. I also know a lot of people out there who feel very alone. They just keep in their isolation and we can't get through this unless we get out of that isolation. So, this is for all of us.

You may be a compulsive overeater who attends Overeaters Anonymous meetings, or someone that didn't work for and you are looking for something where you can be accepted no matter what kind of eating issues you have or size you may be. You also may have no idea you have an eating issue because you've been too busy dieting, exercising too much or having regular binge episodes. Everyone - is accepted here no matter what size, age, demographic or stage of recovery. I hope that our sharing together will provide experience, strength and hope to us all.

I want you to share your experience...and don't feel like you have to put anything other than your first name. Just know that your words are understood because we're all on a similar journey.