This morning I had a revelation about a situation I've been in for a long time. It doesn't have to do with the food, but I know many times it would make me think about drowning myself in it. It has to do with the security of money. When my Dad left when I was young, he made sure to take care of me financially in any way that I needed. So over the years, and through my sickness...I became dependent on it. I became dependent on that reassurance. I remember last year when I was in treatment, I had my 31st birthday and my parents didn't send me any packages. I was devastated and almost felt worthless. After a good breakdown, I realized that it was in the money and material things that I had found my worth, and I wasn't that person anymore. In that moment I let go of my belief that money would buy happiness.
What I didn't let go of was the thought that it still gave me security. Yet, I still put tremendous pressure on myself, that it is not going as fast as it should. I had a revelation this past Christmas that money was a problem for me (as it is for many addicts) and began getting serious about keeping a budget, watching where my money went, and taking a course in Financial Peace with Dave Ramsey to get me focused. Yet as a graduate student, starting a business and a recovering addict trying to become financially independent I had these ambitious goals when the money wasn't there. I was committed to changing my patterns with it, and become responsible about it - but not without an income. So I ended up staying in that place of searching for financial security - almost demanding it and it put a tremendous strain on my relationship with my parents. I had become dependent on that resource and it hurt us all.
I have just finished sharing a great USC vs. ND football weekend with my parents, their friends and my boyfriend. I see that despite my situation, their love is still there. So when I heard the sermon this morning talking about how God wants us to get out of our comfort zone so we can draw closer to him, I started taking notes and out on the paper came this:
Wow, that is why I'm struggling so hard with my parents on money because I feel that my dependence on them is keeping me from God because it's not right! God has gotten me to this place, after a time of bitterness and resentment that I wasn't getting what I needed to tell me that he wants me stop behaving in this way so I can draw closer to Him! It causes me to get so angry at them which doesn't feel Godly to me. It feels so childlike. I want to draw closer to God and here I am, acting like an ungrateful, spoiled child that deserves financial security from them because I'm an entrepreneur, and I'm in recovery etc. What needs to happen is that I need to be trusting in GOD, not seeking their financial security!
The way I've been doing this has hurt my relationship with them, with myself and with God and I don't want to do it like this anymore. I don't want to be angry anymore. I want to be free of that. Sure, part of me believes that getting financially independent will make everything better. But it won't. There will be lots of wounds to heal, and more work to do. But in the meantime, I don't have to act like they are supposed to provide for me but see where I can do MY part.
Yes, I'm starting my business, and working part-time but I want to see where I can contribute to what they have done and are doing for me. It's tremendous and I know as I become more financially independent, I will see it even more. No, I don't know exactly know how it's going to go but I want to shift my own approach to it and say, this is what I'm doing for my finances NOT this is what I need from you to survive. Life is not about survival. It's about living in abundance and I don't want to waste another second living in lack. I'm scared but I'm ready.
Today I heard...
"Stir up a hunger inside to know You."
"Leave something behind in order to head to Jesus."
Jesus says, "I'm with you as you go."
I'm committed to letting go of my angry, fear-ridden behavior around finances and trust that God is there as I head down the road. I'm committed to His will, not MY will that the "comfortable" financial stability my parents have always given me will do that. It's time to shed that skin, just like I shed the skin of using my eating disorder.
I want to be honest with my parents about where I'm at and commit to changing the behaviors I've gotten so used to. I will also pray that in changing my commitment to the process, with time, it will help to heal some of the wounds it has caused. As long as I continue taking the next right step, I can have faith that will happen.
