Fear's grip on us...

"If you knew who walks beside you, fear would be impossible." - A course in Miracles

I lived in fear for so long, fear I would lose what I had and never get what I actually wanted. I also for so long, had no idea what I wanted. I didn't know who I was. I only knew that I wasn't good enough yet, that I had to work harder at it to find me. God was in my life, but I thought I wasn't worth anything until I was like him and I just kept failing. I couldn't measure up. I always focused on how I looked, what I had, how I measured up.

Most of the time - it was my weight. Once I lose this weight, I'll be accepted, I would tell myself. So many people in our world believe that truth today. (You don't have to!! It's a lie!) Every time I felt insecure, I took it back to my weight. It wasn't until I was 31 in treatment that I realized it wasn't about my weight. My weight, was the manifestation of my fears. I was wearing my pain. I was focusing on my pain and trying to fix it. I couldn't see that God was inside me. I couldn't hear that healthy voice telling me that I was this beautiful person on the inside....until I let go...

It was in that moment that I realized, I can't do this by myself that I realized He was walking beside me. I couldn't be alone with my thoughts because no matter how much weight I'd lose, they'd still be there if I didn't learn to cope with them. I had been playing God, and I wasn't Him...I was me, and I needed his help. That moment of realization was when I took his hand for real. But ever since that moment, I've had to give him my hand thousands of times. I constantly have to surrender to him because my fears can return. I am human. I have fears. But they no longer own me, or run my life. I know they are just feelings or thoughts, and I don't have to turn to some outer substance to make them feel better anymore. I can go within....I can FULLY trust that I am on a JOURNEY. There is no longer a destination. I am LIVING.

When I find myself fearing I'm going to lose something or get something I have to remember that God's got me in his hands. I don't have to go into that tailspin, and if I get a little caught up, I can always remember who is beside me and INSIDE me.

Faith instead of horoscopes...

" Face the future but face it only with a brave and happy heart. Do not seek to see it. You are robbing Faith of her sublime sweetness if you do this. Just know that all is well and that Faith, not seeing, but believing, is the barque that will bear you to safety, over the stormy waters." - Russell

We are people who often fear the unknown. We love to worry about the future.

It's a favorite pastime of mine as well. I dove headfirst into that fear by reading multiple horoscopes religiously on the web. It was an unhealthy addiction to the drama of what I wanted to hear and what I didn't want to hear. There is one specifically (that I won't name for all of you horoscope junkies) that gets posted the first of the month and gives you the whole month. It's one that's been hard to let go of because I loved knowing what my month is going to look like.

But yesterday July 1st was different - my healthy voice asked me if it really helped me last time I read it. It said it's favorite line, "Do you really want to sign up for that pain?" And I said, "No. I don't want the extra drama." So grateful that I did. My need for them and attention to them has waned drastically in my recovery. But even when I take them less seriously, they still affect me. It's like the devil, my unhealthy voice trying to creep into my thoughts without me knowing it. If something happens I think, oh...that's what the horoscope said. REALLY?

We are addicted to the outcomes. We want to know what's going to happen and when. Our unhealthy voices get attached to "What if" and we worry about what will happen, or how our past will affect the future. Yet all of it takes away from loving ourselves and living in the moment. We don't need it. What we need is faith.

When we can recognize that we have outgrown a behavior, we can recognize how much we've grown. Today I am so grateful for my life and the people in it, and the possibilities to come. My unhealthy voice wants me to see all those possibilities as unknowns. It wants me to feel insecure because I don't know what's going to happen. But I must remember, that life is all about change. We strive for security, but it's not about that. It's about growth. If we can embrace the growth and change on the journey...and turn to our Healthy Voice or Higher Power, we can be at peace...