Fear's grip on us...

"If you knew who walks beside you, fear would be impossible." - A course in Miracles

I lived in fear for so long, fear I would lose what I had and never get what I actually wanted. I also for so long, had no idea what I wanted. I didn't know who I was. I only knew that I wasn't good enough yet, that I had to work harder at it to find me. God was in my life, but I thought I wasn't worth anything until I was like him and I just kept failing. I couldn't measure up. I always focused on how I looked, what I had, how I measured up.

Most of the time - it was my weight. Once I lose this weight, I'll be accepted, I would tell myself. So many people in our world believe that truth today. (You don't have to!! It's a lie!) Every time I felt insecure, I took it back to my weight. It wasn't until I was 31 in treatment that I realized it wasn't about my weight. My weight, was the manifestation of my fears. I was wearing my pain. I was focusing on my pain and trying to fix it. I couldn't see that God was inside me. I couldn't hear that healthy voice telling me that I was this beautiful person on the inside....until I let go...

It was in that moment that I realized, I can't do this by myself that I realized He was walking beside me. I couldn't be alone with my thoughts because no matter how much weight I'd lose, they'd still be there if I didn't learn to cope with them. I had been playing God, and I wasn't Him...I was me, and I needed his help. That moment of realization was when I took his hand for real. But ever since that moment, I've had to give him my hand thousands of times. I constantly have to surrender to him because my fears can return. I am human. I have fears. But they no longer own me, or run my life. I know they are just feelings or thoughts, and I don't have to turn to some outer substance to make them feel better anymore. I can go within....I can FULLY trust that I am on a JOURNEY. There is no longer a destination. I am LIVING.

When I find myself fearing I'm going to lose something or get something I have to remember that God's got me in his hands. I don't have to go into that tailspin, and if I get a little caught up, I can always remember who is beside me and INSIDE me.