Healing through flailing...

Our happiness is not a present someone else holds in his or her hands. Our well-being is not held by another to be given or withheld at whim. If we reach out and try to force someone to give us what we believe he or she holds, we will be disappointed...if we can find the courage to stop flailing about and instead stand still and deal with our issues, we will find our happiness.

Healing will come when we're aware of how we attempt to use others to stop our pain and create our happiness. We will heal from the past. We will receive insights that can change the course of our relationships.

We will see that, all along, our happiness and our well-being have been in our hands.

My reflection today is on Language of Letting Go again. This reading really reaches me because there is a part of my life that I literally have been flailing around about for a long time, trying to get others to fix it and it's not just my recovery. It's something that I realize now I acted like quite a child about (as we do in our disease), and know that relying on another person to take care of it for me and then acting like I wanted to learn, but still relying on someone only made me more frustrated because I didn't know my own power with it. I would flail about when I would talk about it because I didn't own it. I just wanted someone else to stop the pain it was causing and WOW now that I realize this, I can just see how much better I will feel and my relationships will be. I know that I have to work through this, one step at a time, on my own and God will be there right with me.

It is sorta like my recovery. I needed to get to the point where I was ready. I needed to hit that bottom myself and be ready and willing to just take God's hand. I just wasn't strong enough, and I was only going more into my disease, ruining my relationship with all those people I was trying to get to rescue me. I needed to be around the people who got me so I could get better, and know that I'm just as worthy to be alive as those people I used to be friends with.

I'm really looking forward next week to going on a retreat with my treatment center. I need it right now. I woke up today feeling not great about my body image and it truthfully has me flailing about. Thankfully, I'm not in the food. I think when I feel like this now, the last place I want to go is the food. But I know, that I can only find that balance within myself by taking care of myself. I don't have to let how I feel about my body today, bleed into other parts of my life because it just is what it is and I am going through it physically and emotionally for a reason. It will pass and I can get through it, today.